Good-bye.

I’m sad to say that this will be my final blog post. But I couldn’t be happier with the circumstances surrounding it.

Yesterday, I met with the commissioner and the rest of the board of executives. We had a long meeting, about 2 hours, and discussed a lot about my past and future. Obviously, most of the focus was on my anger management and rehabilitation. We even talked a bit about this blog.

In the end, they said that baring any slipups, I am cleared for next season. What’s more, I’ve been given permission to use team facilities and accompany the boys on their away games in the playoffs.

Honestly, I could not be happier right now. All I wanted was a second chance, an opportunity to redeem myself, and now I have it. As I’ve said before, I know there’s reason to doubt me. My past actions have done nothing to show that I have any potential for change. But I’m going to make things right. It’s starts tomorrow, as I begin my offseason workouts a few months early. After that, I’ll come home to pack up my things, and then I head out to Pittsburgh with the team for our first round playoff game.

Oh, I almost forgot. Lost in all the excitement of my meeting is my relationship with Rachel. Date #2 went even better than the first. I’m trying to be as open and honest and positive as I can with this girl. I’m obviously not ready to make any big, overly romantic sweeping gestures after just two dates, but I like how things feel with this girl. And I think she feels the same. I mean, she at least likes me enough to agree to go out with me on New Year’s Eve.

So, this is it. Tomorrow (well, I guess technically tonight) is my fresh start. While this blog has been tremendously helpful in getting me to this point, I feel that now is the time that I should move beyond it. I’ve learned to open up on here, so now I need to be able to open up to those loved ones in my real life. To all of you who have read and commented on this, I want to truly thank you. It meant a lot to see that others were going through similar, trying times and that I was not alone. It’s my hope that you all are able to find a way to get your own fresh starts.

-Blake Sawyer

Maria called...

When I saw her number show up on my screen, I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I had only spoken to her once since she left, and that was in a drunken stupor after I had called her best friend some twenty times begging to speak to her.  That conversation didn’t go too well. Since then, our only means of communication have been through our lawyers as we begin the paperwork for our divorce.

But that isn’t why she called.

She was already crying when I picked up. Apparently, her show was put on “hiatus” after just two episodes aired. Her career as an actress was “over”. She didn’t know what to do, because this was the only project that had shown interest in her. She was scared and alone in a new city. And then she said she missed me.

That was tough to hear. I mean, where does she get off? She left me. She completely abandoned me at the darkest moment in my life, and now I’m supposed to be her shoulder to cry on? No, fuck that.

I told her to pull herself together. There would be other opportunities; one cancelled show doesn’t negate her talent. I also reminded her that she has made a fine career as a model, and since she’s still under 30, that’s still an option for her. I then, as kindly as I could, reminded her that she left me, and that while I was a giant dickhead who probably deserved it, it didn’t mean I was heartbroken. I then calmly told her to send all further questions to my lawyer and hung up.

Look, I don’t want to come off as some “scorned lover”. I think I’ve made it clear in my recent posts that I realize I deserve what happened. But does that mean I have to take her back? I mean, after all she skipped town with no warning. The way I see it, she’s just another connection to the old me that I’m trying to distance myself as far as possible from.

In other news, my date went great. Her name is Rachel, and it turns out she is the head chef at the Japanese restaurant we went to (of course, my buddy didn’t inform me of this). She’s a really cool, down-to-earth girl and we had a great time together. We have our second date tomorrow, and I can’t wait.

Got a date.

Well, if you want to be technical, I have to dates.

The first, and arguably more important, is with the league commissioner. My agent called me with the news a few days ago. Essentially, what I said in my last post was right, and the league wants to talk to me now that I’ve finished my anger management. With only one week left in the regular season, I know it’s a stretch that I get reinstated this year, but this is still a positive step. Who know, maybe they’ll let me back for the playoffs.

The second date that I got was with a woman. It all started when I reached out to my closest friends on the team, and asked them if we could meet up during their bye week. Luckily, I hadn’t completely burned that bridge, and they agreed to come over to my place. After I thanked them for meeting me, I opened the floodgates. I told them everything I’ve been going through, what I’ve been feeling, and how sorry I was for acting as I did. I completely abandoned them, not just as a teammate with my selfish actions, but also as a friend. I told them my intentions of becoming a better leader in the locker room, especially to the younger guys. I could tell they were skeptical, and I can’t blame them for that, but they accepted my apology. We hugged it out, and I’m not ashamed to say I shed a few tears.

Anyway, after we got all the serious talk out of the way, we got right back to shooting the shit like we did before I got suspended. Naturally, my impending divorce was a major topic of discussion. The guys never liked Maria much anyway, and with hindsight being 20-20, I see why. One thing led to another, and next thing I know, I’m being set up on a blind date. We have reservations at a local Japanese fusion restaurant for tomorrow night. It’s been years since I’ve been on a date. I’m shitting my pants.

I guess we’ll see how things go.

Checking in.

Hello all. While I don’t have a ton to say, I figured I would check in especially after I saw your (somewhat weird?) comments.

•      I’m selling my house. It was really unnecessary for me to live in this large of a house by myself, and honestly it was a bit depressing. I’ve already begun moving into my new penthouse in the center of the city. It’s a much smaller place, but it’s a lot closer to the team facilities.
•        Speaking of the team, my agent has informed me that the successful completion of my anger management has perked a few ears at the league office. While this hasn’t been confirmed, he heard this could positively affect my suspension. I’m hoping to schedule a meeting with the commissioner in the coming weeks.
•         Finally, despite my hesitation after my experience with Precious (remember her? Bitch…), I’ve gotten a new pet. Well, pets. My penthouse came with this baller-ass fish tank.

That’s all I got for now. I’ve decided I definitely want to keep up with this blog, it just won’t be as frequent as it was. I hope you keep reading.

Funny story.

So, a funny thing happened to me today.

I woke up around 6 to get an early morning workout in. I’ve been really focusing in on my workouts to get back into playing shape. You never know when the opportunity may arise…

Anyway, I finished up around 9:30 and noticed I had a voicemail from my attorney. And he had good news. Apparently, my three-month anger management sentence ended a week ago (I’m still on probation for another 9 months). What does this mean? I don’t have to keep up with this blog anymore. I guess I should technically change the title.

So… yeah? I don’t know. When this all started, I was (quite obviously) hostile to the idea of keeping a blog and having my personal feelings available for the entire world to read. But now I’ve gotten accustomed to it. I mean, I know that I don’t have the largest readership in the world, but I look forward to writing this stuff for you guys. Fuck, I enjoy writing it down for myself. After all, I feel that personally I’ve made great strides lately and writing it all down helps me keep everything in check.

I really don’t know. Maybe you’ll hear from me again. But maybe you won’t.