Raining.

Today it is raining, so my 3 consecutive days of going outside streak appears to be over.

I spent the morning playing around with the functions of Blogger. I’m still not very good at this whole “programming” thing, but I think I’ve managed to do a decent job of making my blog different from anybody else’s that I’ve seen. If anything, at least the colors and font all mesh together now. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I’m actually quite concerned with aesthetics. I take great care in my appearance wherever I go. I always told people that it was Maria that decorated our house, but in reality I did most of the work. I guess I was always afraid of letting this passion known since it didn’t coincide with my “bad boy” reputation. But who the fuck cares now?

My somewhat self-imposed isolation has forced me to do a lot of thinking lately. Obviously, I was initially only concerned with Maria and why she would leave me. But recently, I have moved past that. Ultimately, I’ve decided, it doesn’t matter. Maybe she was fed up with my shit. Maybe she found someone else in LA. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All I know is that she’s gone and we’re over. So instead of fretting over this (although trust me, I’m still heartbroken), I’ve begun looking inward and I’ve got to say… I’ve been a real douche.

And it’s not just how I acted with Maria, or what I did during my days of binge drinking (Have I mentioned that I’ve stopped drinking?). As someone who is a (young) veteran in the NFL, I haven’t maintained any of my off the field responsibilities. I know you’ve all seen those “NFL Cares” and United Way commercials, where Star Player X is helping plant trees or having a catch with an underprivileged youth.  What you might not have notice is that I, as one of the top-billed players in the league, have never appeared in a single one of them. That’s because I’ve never showed up to one (much to the chagrin of our commissioner) because I’ve never deemed it important enough. Like I said, I’ve been a douche.

I’ve also been a real dickhead in the locker-room. As a three-year veteran, I should be a team leader. There’s no reason for me not to be a captain, or at least looked upon as a defensive leader. But I’m not. Instead, my leadership experience consists of hazing rookies and organizing the upheaval of our coach last year.

Now, I could sit here and write that that’s all going to change, but if my failed marriage has taught me anything, it’s that words don’t mean shit. Instead, I plan to change my actions when I’m reinstated. Well, if I’m reinstated. Now, I just have to hope I am given that chance.